I was listening to one of my favorite christian artists this morning, I've heard it many times before. I've actually sang along to it hundreds of times, but today there was a pain in hearing these words. Do we know what breaks God's heart? This was the sting in my morning that I didn't expect, and it still lingers now. I'm not too sure where the sudden jolt came from, but I think I closely felt what God felt and I was ashamed. A feeling I felt not just for myself, but probably for almost everyone in this world. I've sat here for a few minutes trying to find those exact words to describe what I'm trying to explain. It's just that this world is so desensitized to this amazing love that there are many things happening that are heartbreaking because of this lack of love, this lack of understanding of what love is all about. Sometimes I question myself if I know exactly what breaks God's heart.
I pray daily for God to convict me, and some days I don't feel the conviction because I'm not sure if my heart is numb to it, or if my mind automatically think its normal. This part of my blog is not to just share about the good faith, but also the struggles. There are always struggles, but when your eyes are wide open to what Jesus died for, the feelings that come with the struggles are deepened because we know why the struggles are happening. We go through life living day after day, enslaved to the demands of everyday life. Work, children, school, and maybe more. We feel extremely drained with nothing more to give, and we feel that struggle. As a Christian, when this happens, I know why I feel this struggle and I know why I feel drained. You know that extreme heavy heart feeling that is constantly tugging at you when you feel something is wrong, or maybe you're doing something wrong? I decipher this feeling as God talking to me. He is literally molding my heart because something in my life isn't right. I understand this may sound insane to some of you, but if you are a believer, I know you know what I'm talking about.
My biggest struggle in my faith is to consistently pray about everything everyday and I think this breaks God's heart. I pray when I feel like it and I study the Bible when I feel like it. I'm sure that I am like this because it's believed to be the norm and it should be fine, but it's really not. My pastor repeatedly tell us to confess and repent. This is my confession. Can you imagine if everyone in this world consistently prays everyday, just giving EVERYTHING to Him? Can you imagine if everyone in this world studied the Bible? Can you imagine the miracles that would happen as a result? Prayers are powerful because it breaks down every wall in our hearts. Prayers create bridges from heart to heart that results in fellowship. Everyone would understand love, faith, hope, and freedom. Do you see the importance of my confession? It may be easily brushed off by many, but I want to repent and change my ways. God wants this for us because He is trying to show us that we don't need to take on this world by ourselves. We don't need to get lost in our everyday lives. He is here with us. We have the Bible. He gave us the fellowship to learn together, all we need to do is take it. Everyday.
When I read God's word, I feel the Holy Spirit unraveling. When I allow myself to be consumed in it with both my mind and heart, I literally feel God is with me in the spirit and I am not imagining it. What does it feel like for you? For me, it's inner goosebumps... instead of chills that you feel in the exterior of your flesh, it's warmth that moves somewhat like a slow heartbeat throughout the inside of my body. You don't feel heartbeats unless you place your hand over your chest, but I can feel the Holy Spirit moving throughout my body in a steady flow, starting in the center of my chest expanding outwards on repeat. This feeling is the most amazing and rewarding feeling. It is like there is zero worry present. It is an extreme sense of peace and joy that is embodied in a river of trust in God. I strive to be this way upon my every waking moment and I am just realizing it just now that to be this way, I need to be consumed in the word of God and prayer. Not just with myself, but with my family. The ministry always starts in the home, and this is something I will execute to action with the help of my husband.
My husband is a great man, not a perfect man, but a great man full of love and imperfections. In these imperfections, you see the perfection of the heart. That heart of his that wants to serve and help other men like him to be free. Serving and sacrificing his time with his own family, jumping over his own wishes to rest in the comfort of his own home to help others find freedom through God in the cold of the season. Have you ever done a struggle-free jump? It takes effort, admit it. That is the imperfections of the human heart overcome by the will of God. I am not boasting of my husband, but I am glorifying the power and love of God that is running through those veins of his. My husband isn't here with me right now, He is at the Return and when I feel the ache of loneliness, I am amazed at how quickly God assures me with the Holy Spirit I explained earlier.
This is how great the word of God is. Even through all my imperfections, God loves me so greatly that He will quickly pursue me to let me know everything is alright. I know that if I am not fed correctly with the Holy Spirit, I would have not known it. I would not have known that it was God speaking to me. A challenge wouldn't be called a challenge if it wasn't difficult. Let my faith be bigger than my fear. Let me be consumed in your Word everyday.
Thank you for always pursuing me. Thank you for always being there for me and never leaving me alone. Lord, I pray that You continually convict me and speak to me when I don't pursue You. Tug my heart the way that You do, I know it's You. Teach me to always pray and talk with You in all the days of my life. I pray that I have the wisdom to always give You all my worries and troubles. I know I am not alone and that You are here to take every pain away. You are the God that gives and take away. I used to think that You give and take away good things, but You take away every pain, every worry, and every troubles. I pray that I find the will of my heart through You to study Your word and to constantly feed myself with Your Holy Spirit, Lord. I know I can't give to people what I don't have myself. Use me to share about Your gospel. Use my family to bring people back to You. Let all of us return to You. I love you, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.