I never knew the purpose of prayer, or what the word even meant. As a child, I was taught to pray in another language, word for word with gestures that couldn't have any mistakes or then I would have to start over. I believed that God wouldn't hear me if I prayed incorrectly. I never knew why I had to cleanse myself three times per gesture before praying and why I had redo it if a male accidentally touched me, even if they were my brother or father giving me a hug. For many years, I thought of prayer as meaningless and for a long time, I looked at it as a difficult way to be accepted or rejected by God. There were too many rules to even start praying that it was hard to understand who God is. He just seemed like a far away ruler that would never love me or bring me to heaven.
Reflecting on this year with all that I’ve learned and witnessing the prayers that have been answered only leads to the hopes and dreams for the new year that’s coming. God has been and always will be a good and just God.... this I know to be true. I don’t have many resolutions, but I do have a few prayers. Prayers that I hold dear as a woman, a wife, and as a mother.
I love to decorate my home. It is a natural energy that fills the blood in the veins of my hands to just want to create. The fall season for me is the most beloved, comforting, and my favorite weather but as my overthinking mind connects to the heart, it is also a reminder of Us and who we are as people - of who we are as God’s sons and daughters. Last month, I begged my husband to take me to Hobby Lobby in the pouring rain to decorate our home with items that encourage and remind us who the Lord is and this one that you see is by far my favorite. It’s truth, it’s real, it’s beautiful, and extremely convicting because let’s admit we all fall short of this. This area is located in the hallway entrance of our house and it cannot be missed. It’s a beautiful reminder of who God is and in His image we are created to be like.
Jesus, I feel like I saw a glimpse of Your life on this earth, when you walked along side us. I dreamt of your footprints with every step that you took. The flesh of You were here, visible to their eyes of the men and women of that time. How blessed must they be to receive a hug from you or to receive prayers from You? I love who you are, Lord. You have such a beautiful heart that loves and hurts at the same time. It must hurt You to see such division in this world, then and now. As your child... all I want to do is reach out to people so they could know You. I want them to know that to have You in their life brings unity and love that I can’t even comprehend. I love to serve You, God. It brings me so much joy in sharing this Truth. At times, it is difficult because I know once I am all for You and want to bring people to You and share how wonderful You are, there are many spiritual attacks coming from everywhere. Today, I can’t take it, so I’m reaching out for You.
I was listening to one of my favorite christian artists this morning, I've heard it many times before. I've actually sang along to it hundreds of times, but today there was a pain in hearing these words. Do we know what breaks God's heart? This was the sting in my morning that I didn't expect, and it still lingers now. I'm not too sure where the sudden jolt came from, but I think I closely felt what God felt and I was ashamed. A feeling I felt not just for myself, but probably for almost everyone in this world. I've sat here for a few minutes trying to find those exact words to describe what I'm trying to explain. It's just that this world is so desensitized to this amazing love that there are many things happening that are heartbreaking because of this lack of love, this lack of understanding of what love is all about. Sometimes I question myself if I know exactly what breaks God's heart.
Willfulness and loyalty of my love for God has grown by far this past year. Sometimes it makes me think of that time when I first found my new profound faith. I was not born into or raised in a Christian family, and it was a rather long path to get to where I am today. The struggle and pain that I had to endure was insane. Looking back now with a grown faith, I would go through it all over again. Honestly, because God is constant and His Love IS never failing. This tree in front of my house with the Private Property sign attached to it reminded me of myself not too long ago. My heart and life was a private property. I used to be very private with my thoughts and my faith, mostly because I held onto pain but God was knocking at my door a few months ago and He told me to stop. He brought me into a place where I found freedom and healed that part of my life. There are wonderful things that I kept to only me, and it is a selfish thing to do because sharing the Truth through my life should be shared. All I could think about was that it could harm me, but that was a lie because God is bigger. God is bigger than me. God has shown His faithfulness throughout my life and it has only grown my hunger for Him. I am constantly yearning to learn about God. With every miracle, I learn something new.
I was sitting alone one night and I knew I wanted to watch a movie but I was so tired, emotional, and probably lazy to search and work on what is the best movie to watch. I turned this movie on figuring it was some mystery movie and since I love mystery movies, why not? I was very intrigued and somewhat confused at the time jump in the beginning of the movie. How is it snowy and then sunny the next? I just thought they fast forwarded to summer. Yeah, I know, I'm silly and looking back, I blame it on exhaustion from moving and unpacking boxes for the past decade.
My heart was moved. so moved in both the best and worst ways. There are a lot of messages given in this story and there are those who will receive them solely on faith, and I am one of those who received them solely on faith no matter what the movie might lack, possible cliches, and maybe what most will disregard from initial judgement. When I saw that Papa was a woman, I immediately thought... I hope people won't turn this movie off because God is presented as a woman here. I hoped and prayed they would wait and see. I didn't understand it at first until Papa explained why she was wearing a dress.